When You're Drowning

For the 100th time since my son was born, I woke up to have a ridiculously disorganized and crazy morning. After sleeping through 3 alarms, I finally awoke to the realization that I had a meeting with my professor to review a paper I hadn't even glanced at, I was supposed to take a test for which I hadn't studied, and there was nothing for breakfast since I forgot to buy groceries... again. Great. So after feeding my son I scarfed down lukewarm leftover spaghetti and meatballs while simultaneously putting on sweats and a t-shirt and pulling my hair up in a greasy ponytail. Oh yeah, did I even wash my hair since the last time my son rubbed rice cereal in it? Don't remember. Oh well.

I wish I could say moments like these only happen on rare occasions. The truth is that this is my reality as of late. One huge, disorganized and messy day after another, after another, after another. These sorts of things tend to get to you, you know? For weeks I've felt like I'm drowning and can't see the surface anymore. I have 1,000,000 things on my "to-do" list and I accomplish one and a half of them by the time the day is through. The laundry needs to get washed and folded, buy groceries, clean the kitchen, take out the diaper pail, make lunch, feed the baby, burp the baby, change the baby's diaper 8+ times a day, change the baby's outfit 3+ times a day, make sure he's happy and his gums aren't bothering him too much, remember to have tummy time so the pediatrician doesn't "silently" judge me at his next appointment, try and remember to use baby sign when I ask him if he wants milk, see if my husband needs help with homework, make sure dinner is ready when he gets home from work, try and finish my homework before midnight, make sure we've paid rent, the VISA, tuition, etc. It's a never ending list of "to-dos" that never get done. There are days, days like today, where I wake up and ask myself why I thought I could do this. Why did I think I could be a good mom? How did I possibly imagine I could be a mom and finish school? How do people do this without a maid, a cook, a nanny, and a masseuse? Well, let me share with you 2 pieces of advice I received before my son was born. One was horrible advice which I thought made a lot of sense, and the other was great advice that I wrote off as selfish and unnecessary.

Piece of Advice #1: You can do school with a baby, when they're that young it's so easy
Most things that sound too good to be true really are. In hindsight, this is the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. At the time I received this advice it made total sense to me. Yeah, my son will be 2-6 months old when I go to school - piece of cake! He won't do anything but lay around all day, staring at the ceiling! Wrong. So, so, sooooo wrong. At best he'll chew on his toys for five minutes then unleash a shriek so loud that only dogs can register the pitch. Turns out he's a chip off the ol' block - he's a little social butterfly that requires, nay, demands you make eye contact and talk to him. Not all day, at least he's reasonable and only requires you to do so when he's awake. Homework time? Forget about it. I had an "at home check-up" about 2 months after he was born and 2 weeks into my semester. The nurse was telling us everything we should be doing to ensure our son turned out ok (long list), and one of the things she mentioned was reading to him. After learning we were both in school, she says "you could even read your textbook to him, he doesn't know the difference. You'd kill two birds with one stone!" Oh he knows the difference, and he finds my cognitive development textbook about as interesting as I do. Good idea in theory, didn't work in practice. This means that I can get my homework done while he sleeps... assuming I don't need to eat, shower, or take 20 minutes to regroup and breathe. Most of the time I finally get my schoolwork done once he's down for the night, so after 10pm I'm all good. Great - that means going to bed at midnight at the earliest. Are you getting the point? Going to school with a baby is NOT easy, no matter how old they are.

Piece of Advice #2: You need to take time for yourself, uninterrupted by anyone or anything
When I first heard this I thought "yeah, ok, sure I do". I thought that was so selfish. What would I need time for myself for? I'm living the dream - I'm a stay-at-home mom! While this is true, I really am living the dream, after nursing all day (literally feels like all I do is nurse), getting spit up on, getting spit up on again, changing a diaper, changing his clothes after he spit up a third time, trying to have tummy time while he screams in protest, trying to feed him rice cereal as he spits it all back out, holding him while he sleeps because he's teething and refuses to get put down, etc. it turns out that I need some time to regroup. It's like the airplane analogy. You know how the stewardesses give their little spiel before the plane takes off? You know how they get to the part about the oxygen, and they say to put yours on before you assist a child? I always hated that when I was a kid. I thought "what the crap, save the children first!" I get it now. I get it because if I go too long without so much as a thought on my own well-being, I'm not nearly as good of a mother as I'm capable of being. Why? Because I'm unhappy. I'm fed up with not taking a second to breathe and think about what I want to do. I just need to leave the house so I can be uninterrupted by "where are the diapers again?" and "do you think he might be hungry/tired/cranky?" I need to go to the mall and window shop while soaking in the fact that I've regained the use of both of my hands. And that's ok. That's more than ok, it's necessary. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it helps you be a better person and help others to your full capacity. It's like filling your car up with gas - you can't run properly if you're trying to carry 3+ people without gas. Fill up your tank and you'll run as smooth as butter.

The beauty of this life is that amidst moments where you feel like you just can't do this anymore, you're presented with moments of hope and peace. This morning I lost my cool and just unloaded all of this on my husband. While tearfully putting away the milk I had just pumped, I loudly expressed how I had been feeling to my husband. I walked away after dumping it all on him and went to get dressed. He sat on the couch, holding our son, in a sort of daze of concern and confusion. But then, while I was throwing together my signature "sweats, t-shirt, and ponytail" look, I heard him whisper: "Garrett, you're the best thing that's ever happened to us". And then I really lost it. Here I was complaining because seemingly nothing was working out in my life, and my husband saw what was most important. Our baby is healthy as can be. He's happy, and he loves us almost as much as we love him. Yes, being a mother is hard. Being a mother and a student is near impossible. But ultimately, once I dry my tears long enough to see the bigger picture, I'm grateful for this amazing trial and challenge. I'm being stretched to limits I didn't even know existed. I have found that I'm capable of so much more than I thought I was. Yes, while I wish I looked like my fellow BYU students (hair perfectly curled, make-up that looks airbrushed, clothing out of a J. Crew catalog), the most important thing is that my child is alive and well. And that's more than enough for me.

I'm going to leave you with two of my favorite quotes that have gotten me through a lot these past few months. Both of these men serve in leadership positions within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and they're some of the greatest men to have ever walked this earth.

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." Jeffrey R. Holland 

"If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill." Henry B. Eyring

He is the reason for all that I do - and that will always be enough.