Man Up: The Myth of Masculinity

We live in a society that often speaks out on the injustices against women: same educational level/job qualifications than men but less pay, the glass ceiling that has yet to be shattered, never being “good enough” no matter what career path she chooses, etc. I wholeheartedly agree with these statements, and many more than the ones I included in this short list. However, it may not surprise you to know that the problem must first be solved with men. 

I remember when we were told about the opportunity to watch The Mask You Live In*; I scoffed. I thought “seriously? Men have a hard time in this culture? Yeah, okay”. But I also needed extra credit, so I went ahead and went to the showing of the documentary. I am beyond grateful that I decided to go, because what I learned has forever changed how I view men’s own struggles within our society. 

*"The Mask You Live In follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to themselves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity"

(definition courtesy of: http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/)

The documentary consists of several men, young and old, sharing their experiences about how they're navigating through our society, given the very narrow construct of what masculinity truly is. As the documentary carried on, I began to feel more and more depressed by the obstacles men face. Honestly, I kept thinking about my own son and how he's going to have to go through all of this - and it begins at a very young age. By age 5, most boys know it's not okay to cry in public, or show any emotion other than happiness or anger. One of the educators who spoke in the video said you can see this clearly by walking up to a group of young boys and asking "who's the sissy around here?", to which all of the boys single out one lone child. That boy has one of two options: either he can stand up and pick a fight with them, or he can run away and cry. The former option just perpetuates this stigma that boys have to be physical and aggressive, or else they're not boys. The latter just alienates the boy from his playmates, and solidifies his spot as the "sissy" among men. Another example given was of a father who asked his son "if your coach told you that you ran like a girl, how would you feel?" to which his son answered "I would be devastated". This insistence that men and women are too different, that they can't possibly share any qualities, permeates even the youngest of minds. From a young age boys learn that doing anything "like a girl" will make you stand out among your peers in an unfavorable and unacceptable way. Why? We see the same happen among girls and women. Women who are powerful and outspoken are often called very demeaning and hurtful things (the word I'm thinking of starts with a "b" and rhymes with "pitch"), and are seen as too bossy, aggressive, and above all, an annoyance not be taken seriously. The documentary shared the following idea: if you were to give a survey to 100 boys, you'd see that the results of that survey would fall on a bell curve. Now, administer the same survey to a group of 100 girls, and again you'd see a bell curve. If you were to overlap the two bell curves, one on top of the other, you'd see that there is a 90% similarity overlap between them. This goes to prove that there really aren't that many differences between men and women. Why? Because we're both human. Because we're both allowed to (and certainly do) feel a wide range of emotions, and neither sex should be constrained to a short list of socially acceptable expressions of emotion. Sex is biological; however, gender is a social construct. There's a spectrum for gender ranging from hyper-feminine to hyper-masculine, and any given person can fall anywhere on that range. But again, our society would have us believe that there is no spectrum. There is only feminine  and masculine, and there must be something wrong with those who can't fit into either one or the other. 

Masculinity is something that has to be proven in our society; it's a rejection of anything that is feminine. Compassion, empathy, sadness, hurt, fear, etc. are all unacceptable emotions for men to exhibit. I'm going to write some examples of things men have heard (or are hearing) about what it means to "be a man": 

• a man uses violence to solve problems
• don't talk about your feelings
• just deal with it

The following phrases are what the men/boys admitted thinking when they heard these phrases: 

• when I'm sad, I don't tell anybody about it 
• I can talk about being mad, but not sad, depressed, or vulnerable
• I distanced myself from my effeminate friend and threw myself into sports to prove my masculinity
• why am I ostracized because I don't want to fight? 
• I felt alone because I was different
• I was discouraged by means of physical force from ever expressing emotions
• men/boys prepare their masks when they leave home, for when they have to face the world

The following are harrowing statistics regarding what men/boys have to face as a result of the hyper-masculine ideal being shoved down their throats: 

• by age 12, 34% of boys have started drinking (a possible explanation for this was that when they're drunk, they're allowed to tell their buddies "I love you" and to loosen their usually strict conduct, without fear of verbal or physical retaliation)
• 1 in 4 boys binge drink (that means 5+ drinks in a row)
• every day, 3+ teenage boys commit suicide - suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for teenage boys
• fewer than 50% of men and boys with mental health issues will seek help

What is it about being a man in America that makes them be this way? What's behind the behavior problem? A proposed answer was that the responsibility falls on the great American myth: sports build character*. Sports and athleticism are seen as a mark of masculinity; therefore, to be a man you must not only participate in sports, but be successful at them. Another proposed culprit is the media. Oh the media. Our generation is bombarded with media from all sides: literature, cell phones, social media, internet, TV/movies, radio - those are just to name a few. In particular, media images can do a lot to effect a person. The typical macho man, hyper-masculine character that you see in movies is not only unrealistically fit, but he is also an emotional monotone. He keeps his cool under pressure, and always has control of the situation. Because of this portrayal of "the ideal man" in the media, young boys and men start to idolize someone who can't express themselves emotionally. The biggest offenders in the media, according to the experts consulted for the documentary, are violent video game protagonists. Violent video games are creating an arousal addiction in the minds of boys, and studies have shown time and time again that the most addictive games are those which are most violent. This arousal addiction can cause a resistance to build in the mind: over time, they need more and more violence to satisfy their needs AND/OR become desensitized to the real violence committed on real people around them. This same arousal addiction is seen in pornography usage. 

*in my non-professional opinion, I believe sports can build character when the coach teaches good character, and models it him/herself 

Examples of hyper-masculine men in the media: 

courtesy of http://www.teen.com/2011/07/21/celebrities/hottie-of-the-week/chris-evans-captain-america-superhero-hot-shirtless-pictures/#1

courtesy of http://www.muscleandfitness.com/features/school-rock-dwayne-johnsons-7-life-lessons

courtesy of http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/entertainment/sydney-confidential/hugh-jackman-to-arrive-in-sydney-within-the-next-three-weeks-to-begin-filming-the-wolverine/story-e6frewz0-1226418304953

courtesy of http://www.reelz.com/trailer-clips/55225/thor-chris-hemsworth-interview/

Here are some disturbing statistics regarding violent video game usage, and pornography usage: 

• 99% of boys play video games (any game, not exclusively violent games)
• 50% of parents don't monitor the video game ratings (i.e. E for everyone, M for mature) 
• 93% of boys are exposed to porn
• 68% of young men use porn weekly
• 21% of young men use porn daily 

Pornography is feeding into the rape culture that exists in the United States because it's subconsciously teaching young men not to see the humanity in women. One testimonial in specific stated that the message he receives from media is that "women exist for (men) to have sex with them". Men's violence against women is at an epidemic proportion. 1 in 5 college women are attempted or successfully sexually assaulted. One educator gave a great example of this concept (which I will paraphrase): 

"Young men see a young woman walk by and are taught to say things like 'I'd like to hit that', 'I would tap that'. 'Hit' and 'tap' are acts of violence, while 'that' is an object." 

So all in one, men are taught that violence is how you get what you want AND women are not only objects for their amusement, but the sole purpose of their existence is to satisfy men's needs. It's what the documentary referred to as "The Great Setup" - it's a recipe for violence. 

Recipe = men are taught to never show any emotion (other than anger) + women exist for men's enjoyment + masculinity means exerting dominance over those around you (be the alpha)

The most disturbing statistics you'll read: 

• over half of all boys are physically abused
• 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused
• children who are neglected are 9 times more likely to be involved in crime
• 90% of homicide perpetrators are male
• 94% of mass homicides are committed by males (mass homicide meaning 4+ people)

This is the most disturbing documentary I've seen to date (disclaimer: haven't seen too many in my day - I'm very sensitive to subjects like this). Even with my low credibility in this topic, you should take this seriously. Why? Because it effects every citizen of Earth, not just those with an XY chromosome pair. As long as we perpetuate this myth of masculinity, men will continue to feel entitled to domination and exerting power and force over others. Not only will they feel entitled to it, but they'll feel it's their responsibility as a man. If we as a society can combat these erroneous and harmful ideals, then we can make headway into solving issues of crime, rape, abuse, and countless other acts of violence that are a direct result of preventing an entire sex from expressing themselves in a healthy way. Expressing emotion is not an exclusive right given to females; it's something that every human being is entitled to. 

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi 

Raise our boys to know they can express emotions of sadness, joy, fear, empathy, and compassion. Raise our boys to stand up for themselves and their friends, that it's okay to hug your friend because he's had a hard day. Raise our boys to be emotionally intelligent beings who can and do feel a range of emotions in a healthy way. Don't shame them for crying, don't say "man up", "boys don't cry", or "you better stop crying, or else". Be kind. Love them. Teach them to love others and see them as human beings. Teach them that men and women are equals. Teach them that "you hit/run/throw/jump like a girl" means absolutely nothing different than hitting/running/throwing/jumping like a boy. Teach them to back down from a fight - that violence doesn't define them as men. Lastly, don't be discouraged by the world we live in. You really can make a difference, I know you can. 

"Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." KJV Bible, Romans 12:21